Learning to live again...

Everyday ... everyday we are learning to live our new lives.... well when you hear "new" it almost sounds exciting and new......well its nowhere near... but the fact is these are the cards we have been dealt... so now we are trying to find our new way....
Since being back from TN, we have had alot of changes in our lives, other than the MAJOR change we just endured. My love has switched units at work, which changes alot about our lives itself. When my father in law passed I hit a bump in the road with my school so it pushed me back a few months for grauation, but again.... we are learning to accept the things we cannot change... so with school, there ya go.
A new development is that 2011 is going to be a challenging year.... I am bracing myself and for all the things the year will be throwing at me alone as that damn "d" word approaches.

I just want to flash back... back to June the 30th 2010, when my biggest worry was what oufits the kids were going to wear on the 4th of July... when my family was happy,healthy,ALIVE, and well..... we were all HAPPY.... HAPPY...a word that seems so foreign at the moment... a word that has a new meaning now... and that I think my defination of "happy" changed that day forever... I want MY life back....my life where my love is happy and whole and eager about the future... where my kids were whole and happy and carefree kids, where my mother in law was working and enjoying life, my father in law was healthy happy and so full of life... this will never be again...hes gone... hes gone and it has forever changed all of us. My father in law was more than an inlaw to me... he was my dad too... an d i miss him terribly... and i know the rest of the family does too... I just feel like we are on a mary go round of bad events and i feel like i cannot get off.

I am a worry wort and I want to fix everything for everyone that I am close to... I want to take all there pain away, I worry about my family becuase this ugly little thing called grief... is an ugly ugly thing, I worry about all of my friends whose loves are deployed, becuase this time last year I was alone and my love was in a far away land, so i remeber how lonely and nerve racking it was, but these ladies have it 1000000X worse than I did. I want to stretch my arms as wide as the BIG sand box and keep each and everyone of them safe and sound and get to witness first hand that priceless moment of seeing the love of your life "GET OFF THAT BUS"... but i am pissed... I am PISSED... because every day more and more I am reminded that I cant protect everyone I love, from death, pain and despare... and I freaking hate it...

I want to be NORMAL again... I want it all to just go go go away....